Travelling Ke Dermaga & Pelangan Rangai Lampung

Pada tanggal 15 Agustus 2015, saya, seorang teman dan keluarga saya berkunjung ke Bandar Lampung karena ada saudara yang menyelenggarakan pesta pesta pernikahan.  Karena pesta pernikahan akan dilaksanakan tanggal 17 Agustus jadi tanggal 16 Agustus kami manfaatkan buat jalan – jalan ke tempat wisata yang cukup popular di Lampung yaitu Pasir Putih.

Tiba saatnya tanggal 16 Agustus 2015 kami pergi ke tempat wisata . Sebelum ke Pasir Putih kami berkunjung dulu ke tempat pelelangan ikan di Desa Rangai yang tempat gak begitu jauh dari Pasir Putih.

Dari rumah saudara saya yang di Panjang kami naik mikrolet, saya tak begitu ingat nama mikroletnya hanya warnanya saja yang masih saya ingat, mikrolet berwarna hijau. Dari daerah Panjang Utara kami naik mikrolet itu dan turun di pasar pelelangan ikan Desa Rangai dan disini juga ada dermaganya yang cukup cool loh. Sebagian harga ikan disini jauh lebih murah daripada di Jakarta, namun ada sebagian juga yang sama mahalnya.

Oke guys nih gue tampilin foto- foto narsis gue di dermaga pelelangan ikan Desa Rangai

O iya di belakang perahu- perahu itu terlihat dua pulaukan guys, nah tuh pulau namanya Pulau Condong dan Pulau Bule (sebenarnya lupa namanya hehe, search lagi ya guys...)

Para nelayan menangkap dan mendistribusikan ikannya di dermaga ini guys, pada saat gue lagi narsis foto - foto, gue juga sempat lihat orang macing di pinggir dermaga lho.

Pas lagi foto terlihat di belakang gue ada perahu- perahu yang berlayar di dermaga untuk menangkap ikan kayaknya guys, gak tahu percisnya juga sih soalnya gak nyaksiin langsung, hehe...
By the way pinggirang dermaganya bersih dan jernih guys, dermaganya juga bersih, jarang banget ada yang nyampah disini kayaknya, hehe

Mama Papa Firasatnya Setajam Silet dan Tuhan Maha Tahu

Guys... saya mau sharing dikit (padahal tulisannya segambreng) tentang kode dari orang tua kita mengenai pilihan hati kita, yang sangat menentukan apakah nanti kita sukses jalanain hubungan ama si Fulan or not....

Mesti saya udah gak abg lagi tapi belum tentu apa yang saya putuskan itu berdasarkan pemikiran saya yang mateng semateng pemikiran mama dan papa saya.
Bagaimanapun kekurangan mereka di mata kita tapi sebenarnya ada firasat yang dahsyat di hati mereka mengenai pilihan mereka buat masa depan kita nanti walau mungkin gak selalu, ya wallahualam dech ...:). Gak tahu pasti kenapa, kemungkinan besar karena pengalaman hidup mereka yang lebih banyak pastinya.

Masih inget ama nasihat papa waktu pertama kali saya punya pacar n still stay di semester lima, bangku kuliah. Saya punya pacar, umurnya agak jauh dari saya, kita beda sembilan tahun. Saya dan dia long distance and ketemu cuma sekali,(syukurlah...gak ngapa ngapain untungnya ,heheh...#nyengir), mungkin karena pacar pertama jadi rasanya begitu bergelora,heheh....

Suatu hari papa pernah bilang kalau papa gak setuju saya pacaran ama dia  apalagi menikah, menurut papa tuh cowok udah punya istri coz usianya udah kepala tiga. Saya sih gak begitu respon sama saran papa,coz belum liat dengan mata kepala sendiri bukti2 yang kuat kalau dia cowok beristri(cowok gak bener, maenin hati anak orang ajach....hwahahahah :D )

Someday setelah beberapa waktu kita gak ada komunikasi lagi, n tiba tiba gak di sangka sagka...dia bales pesan fb saya ,yang udah lama banget saya kirim ke dia,"ini mas pengen deket lagi sama kamu" . Dengan kondisi hati saya yang hampa n masih ada rasa sayang ama tuch cwok ya udah saya ladenin deh and bilang saya juga masih mau nyambung lagi sama dia. Hampir seminggu deket,smsan akhirnya saya benar- benar ngerasa mantap ama dia..tapi semakin mantap, hati saya kok malah semakin kalut yaaaa -_-, ya sudah saat solat malam,saya curhat sama sang Maha Tahu (Allah SWT).
Besok via fb saya telusuri, benar- benar saya cari fb dia berdasarkan nama panjangnya,yang mungkin keterangan tentang dia bisa lebih banyak saya dapat, soalnya fb dia yang dia kasi ke saya,saya merasa ada yang ganjil sama fb itu ,hmm..... .
Akhirnya ketemu juga, dan terrrrrrrrrnyata..........dia sudah beristri n nikah sekitar 11 tahun yang lalu, jadi selama ini saya dan mantan-mantannya kena dikibulin dia, heheh....ampyooon.......

By the way karena saya belum pernah macem- macem sama dia so saat saya tahu hal itu ya alhamdulillah hati saya gak begitu sedih atau terlalu over kecewa, mungkin bisa dikalkulasikan 70% surprise,15% kecewa,15% sedih coz sosok yang saya anggep hampir sempurna di mata saya ternyata sudah jadi jodohnya orang , heheh..... . Hikmahnya yang saya dapet dari perjalanan hati yang berselimut kabut ini (alias penuh kebohongan darinya) adalah bahwa Allah yang Maha tahu yang terbaik buat hamba- hambanya yang selalu tawaqal dan berikhtiar untuk yang terbaik bagi agama &dirinya ^_^.

Next pengalaman berikutnya adalah pada saat saya ngerasa suka sama seorang cowok yang baru saya kenal lewat salah satu akun media sosial. Hmm... dilihat di foto kok hati saya sreg ya, ngerasa dia itu calon pendamping idaman saya, tinggi, wajah lumayan,profesi lumayan kayaknya orangnya baik and alim, (hehe... biarin deh agak kere yang penting dia cakep n alim n udah lulus bangku kuliah,cukup ilmu pula,hmm....)
Pas bilang sama mama ,kalau saya punya kenalan seperti itu ...eh ternyata dari hati kecil mama, mama kurang setuju, (mama : " umur udah 31, kerjaan cuma guru les, mau dikasi makam apa kamu"). Dan saya dengan naifnya berfikir kalau rezeki bisa dicari kok , dia juga lagi on the way S1, hehe,,,, sing penting aku sreg ama fotonya ... (emang mau nikah ama fotonya -_- ?")..........
Seminggu kemudian,saya ketemu dengan dia, hadeeeeeeehh... 99% beda banget kelakuannya dari yang saya harapkan, wajah biasa aja tapi kelakuannya gak biasa banget buat saya... pas saya jauh-jauh berangkat dari kuningan ke blok-m, n agak luntang -langtung nunggu dia disana ,eh trrrr...nyata respon dia ...enggak bangeetttt......
saya : baru nyampe ya kak ? kita mau kemana kak ? (Maksud saya kita mau kopi darat dimana buat saling mengenal lebih jauh lagi, di warteg kah,warung bakso or mal (ngareepppp........., heheh)
Dia : terserah kamu, kamu mau pulang langsung atau ngobrol-ngobrol dulu (dengan nada n mimik wajah yang gak banget, serasa gak niat banget buat kenalan serius ama saya -_-
saya : (ngerasa lebih dewasa ^.^.... gubbrak$##%)   "kita ngobrol-ngobrol dulu deh kak,"
Dia : (dengan gak berperasaan,gak ngerti saya laper,aus,and butuh tempat yang adem buat ngobrol ama dia)
          "ya udah deh kita ngobrol ke taman situ aja, yang deketan, o iya kamu udah makan belum ?" (nanya dengan wajah yang datar and kebaca banget di mata saya kalau sebenarnya gak ada niat dia buat ngajak saya makan and cuma stay duduk di taman dikelilingin orang pacaran and kolam yang indah(behhhh.......)"
saya : gak usah kak, gak apa- apa, langsung saya layangkan pertanyaan mengenai dia lebih jauh
dia :" o gitu ya, ya udah, ya beginilah saya, wujud saya yang sebenarnya" (mukenye nggak banget, kuyu, semua yang diomongin ama dia, gak jelas, inti sari perkenalan juga gak jelas)
saya : (mencoba bertahan dari bt,ngantuk n kecewa...;(  ) o... gitu ya kak kalau saya ......

akhirnya pertemuan selesai, kemistri dari saya gak ada sama sekali, hanya ada bt n kecewa ama maksud tujuan dia yang gak tegas,jelas, n serius. Dan sudah pasti 99% saya pastikan, saya gak bisa terima dia lebih dari teman biasa. walau nantinya saya akan buat dia kecewa, tapi saya rasa itu lebih baik daripada makin dilanjutin makin gak jelas ^_^.

Coba aja pas ketemu dia langsung ngajak saya ke tempat yang tepat, punya rasa simpati yang kuat, mengatakan maksud & tujuan yang jelas atas pertemuan kita pasti endingnya gak kaya gini.

Yah namanya juga udah kode dari awalnya, mau diapain lagi ^,^ .
Guys...itulah pengalaman saya deket sama beberapa pria yang kode awalnya ,mama papa saya gak sreg,kurang setuju and endingnya saya juga kecewa and gak setuju ama mereka ..
Semoga rhida orang tua,ridha Tuhan juga, biar saya mendapatkan jawaban yang terbaik dari Tuhan mengenai masa depan saya..

Nak, Ibu Ingin Bicara Tentang Memilih Jodoh

Setiap ibu selalu ingin yang terbaik untuk anak-anaknya, termasuk kepada anak laki-lakinya. Surat ini kami dapat dari kiriman email seorang sahabat. Walaupun isi surat ini ditujukan untuk laki-laki, Anda akan tersenyum atau bahkan terharu. Selamat membaca..

***

Rasanya ibu tidak percaya menulis surat ini untuk kalian. Seperti baru kemarin ibu menimang kalian dalam gendongan, dan sekarang kalian sudah dewasa. Membesarkan kalian adalah masa terindah dalam hidup ibu, sekalipun ibu harus melepas karir yang cukup menjanjikan saat itu. Ibu lebih bahagia dengan pilihan menjadi ibu rumah tangga dan melihat kalian tumbuh. Tidak ada penyesalan sama sekali dengan keputusan itu.
Tibalah waktunya ibu harus membicarakan hal yang penting, yaitu masalah memilih jodoh untuk kalian. Ibu tahu, selama ini banyak perempuan yang menyukai kalian, karena kalian memang pria-pria yang berkualitas.Kalian harus bangga telah dibesarkan dalam cinta, oleh orang tua yang hebat.
Tidak perlu panjang lebar, jika bicara soal memilih jodoh atau perempuan sebagai istri, contohlah ayah kalian.
Mengenai pilih-pilih perempuan, ibu sangat mengerti jika kalian bingung, ada banyak perempuan cantik, cerdas, punya karakter, inner beauty dan perempuan hebat lainnya. Yang manakah yang harus dipilih?
Ibu akan jawab dengan jujur, inner beauty memang penting, namun harus dibungkus dengan kecantikan luar yang juga baik. Sebagai seorang pria, kamu pasti ingin mengenalkan istrimu dengan bangga pada orang lain dan keluarga, sehingga inner beauty juga harus dibarengi penampilan luar yang juga baik. Jangan sampai kamu malu karena penampilan istrimu.
Mengenai status perempuan, dalam hal materi, dari dulu ibu tidak pernah membatasi kalian boleh berteman dengan siapa, yang penting dia baik dan sopan. Apapun status sosialnya, pastikan dia baik dan sopan.
Mungkin ibu sama seperti para ibu lain yang memiliki anak laki-laki, ibu akan sangat cerewet. Bukan berarti ibu ingin mengatur masa depan kalian, namun ibu ingin yang terbaik untuk kalian. Mungkin ibu tidak bisa objektif saat menilai perempuan yang akan kalian kenalkan, namun ibu berjanji untuk bersikap adil semampu ibu.
Dan jika boleh menilai, tidak akan ada perempuan lain yang cukup pantas untuk mendapatkan kalian. Mungkin ini berlebih, tapi setinggi itulah kebanggan seorang ibu pada anak laki-lakinya. Kalian juga akan merasakannya jika kelak memiliki seorang anak.
Satu hal penting, pilihlah istri dengan bijak. Ketika kamu menikahinya, kamu menikahinya untuk seumur hidup. Lalu seperti apa saat ayah kalian jatuh cinta dulu?
* Pilihlah perempuan yang memiliki pesona kuat dalam dirinya, dan itu tidak dibuat-buat. Dulu ibu berpikir bahwa ayah kalian tidak akan suka dengan ibu, karena banyak perempuan lemah lembut dan feminin lainnya. Nyatanya, ayah kalian jatuh cinta dengan ibu, karena ibu tidak takut memanjat pohon dan berkelahi saat masih muda dulu.
Ternyata yang dibutuhkan adalah chemistry, ketika kalian merasa nyaman dan jatuh cinta dengan perempuan yang menjadi dirinya sendiri. Tanyakan pada ayah kalian, ibu tidak pernah bosan mendengar ceritanya bagaimana dia jatuh cinta dengan ibu.
* Pilih perempuan yang bisa menertawakan dirinya sendiri dan bisa melihat sisi lucu dari segala sesuatu, bukan menertawakan orang lain. Pada akhirnya, cinta akan tumbuh menjadi sesuatu yang stabil. Saat tidak ada lagi getaran dan detak jantung berdebar ketika menatap matanya, perekat cinta yang paling awet adalah tertawa. Saling tertawa dan tidak terlalu kaku mengarungi bahtera rumah tangga. Kalian akan tetap merasakan cinta, kenyamanan dan menikmati serunya hidup bersama.
* Menikahlah dengan perempuan yang memiliki prinsip dalam hidupnya, dan bagaimana dia menghormati prinsip yang sudah dia buat. Kalian memang akan jadi pemimpin dan kepala keluarga, namun dia tidak harus setuju dengan semua pemikiran dan kemauan kalian. Untuk apa menikah dengan wanita yang selalu setuju dan hanya bisa mengatakan "Ya". When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.
* Pilihlah perempuan yang bijak menyikapi perbedaan, mau menghargai perbedaan selera dan dalam hal apapun secara adil. Dia harus mampu berkompromi. Menikahlah dengan wanita yang bicara jujur, ini untuk kebaikan kalian.
* Yang terakhir, mungkin bukan yang paling penting.. namun.. menikahlah dengan dengan perempuan yang menghormati kalian. Ibu akan sangat marah jika ada orang yang menyakiti kalian atau berbuat kasar pada kalian, terutama di depan umum. Jangan pernah membiarkan perempuan menyakiti kalian.
Kenapa ibu menulis poin terakhir dengan tegas? Karena ibu juga ingin kalian menghargai dan menghormati perempuan yang kalian cintai. Sama besarnya seperti rasa hormat kalian pada ibu. Ingatlah, cinta tanpa rasa hormat seperti mobil tanpa setir, tidak ada gunanya.
Surat ini sangat panjang dan terkesan cerewet, namun inilah bukti cinta ibu untuk kalian, anak-anak yang sangat ibu banggakan. Semoga kalian bisa mendapatkan perempuan terbaik, perempuan yang kalian cintai, perempuan yang mau hidup senang dan susah bersama, hingga hanya maut yang memisahkan.

***

Semoga isi surat ini menjadi pencerahan bagi Anda, terutama para wanita. Seperti inilah kriteria perempuan-perempuan yang diinginkan pria baik. Apakah Anda sudah siap dipilih oleh pria baik? Maka perbaikilah diri Anda terlebih dahulu.
Andakah wanita itu?

sumber : http://www.vemale.com/inspiring/lentera/44237-nak-ibu-ingin-bicara-tentang-memilih-jodoh.html

Penantian Jiwa

Aku tak ingin banyak berkata

Tapi aku ingin terus berdoa

Aku tak ingin jauh bermimpi

Tapi aku ingin terus berdamai dengan hati

Aku menantimu bukan hanya dalam hati

Aku menantimu dalam balutan doa suci

Dalam penuh upaya hati

Namun tetap ku genggang nama Illahi

Terurai waktu menyelidik jiwa

Dapatkah mata bicara

Ada apa dengan jiwa

Terkadang terlalu bijaksana

Begitu berdaya melawan badai

Sembunyi dari kenyataan bukanlah berdamai

Terus terang pada hati dan Tuhan

Merayu dalam sunyi

Mengadu bibir dengan hati

Tuhan selalu melihat

Betapa indahnya air matamu kala merayu

Betapa manisnya senyummu kala bersyukur

Janji Tuhan amat tepat

Kebesarannya dan kesabaranmu menyatu erat

Tuhan membalas tangis dan senyummu

Satu bintang tepat jatuh di depan matamu

Untukmu Yang Tak Sanggup Memilihku

Dear Man,

Pria... aku tahu setelah aku fikir-fikir memang aku dan kamu sangat berbeda sekali. That's why kamu memilih untuk memberhentikan ikatan perjodohan ini. Jarak..ya itulah yang menjadi pembatas kita yang paling nyata. Bukan hanya itu tapi jarak antar hati kita juga sangat jauh ya sepertinya :) . Meski kedua orang tuamu memilihkan aku yang terbaik untukmu namun ternyata semua rencana mereka itu hanyalah hiasan palsu buatmu dan harapan palsu buatku , Its okey tak apa, alhamdulillah Allah sayang padaku ,dia anugrahkan aku hati yang memiliki power yang besar yang tiada ternilai harganya :) .
Aku akui memang baru kamulah yang membuat aku jatuh hati di masa- masa ini dimana aku sangat bersungguh- sungguh mencari calon imam yang baik di mata Allah.

Kedua orang tua kita menjodohkan kita bukan tanpa alasan. Tetapi ada alasan yang cukup mulia, yaitu mempererat tali persaudaraan ini. Melapangkan silahturahmi antar keluarga besar orang tua kita bahkan kita putra- putrinya. Itu juga yang membuat aku pada awalnya berusaha untuk menurutinya :) . Mulai dari situlah aku terhanyut dalam harapan hampa yang terus mengalir. Pada awalnya aku selalu berdoa semoga anugrah itu terjadi. Semoga kaulah anugrah terindah untuk kedua orang tuaku juga :) .

Namun, tidak bisa aku pungkiri jika ternyata hatimu belum betul- betul tulus dan ikhlas untuk menerima perjodohan ini. Luasnya pergaulanmu, tingginya jabatanmu, dan tergiurnya engkau dengan sosok yang sempurna dimatamu lewat fisik dan materi yang dia miliki membuatmu berat melepasnya. Dia yang belum pernah dijamah oleh keluargamu, belum pernah mengenal orang tuamu,saudaramu dan sebenarnya cukup berat diterima oleh ayahmu :) .

Aku memang tak tahu siapa wanita itu dan bagaimana kelak masa depanmu dengannya tapi aku tetap berusaha untuk berfikir positif atas dampak dari pilihanmu. Semoga wanita itu bisa menjadi yang terbaik buatmu bahkan bukan buatmu seorang tetapi juga buat keluargamu :) .

Wahai pria, kamu memang tampan,mapan dan bijaksana, tapi ada satu hal yang lebih membuat aku kecewa dan sedih melebihi sikapmu atas perjodohan ini, Dimana kamu tidak lagi mau bicara kepadaku, dan biarpun kamu bicara atau membalas pesan -pesanku, maka kau balas dengan nada yang dingin dan seolah- olah ikatan persaudaraan itu tidak ada :( . Kita memang memiliki kekerabatan yang jauh thats why kedua orang tua kita menjodohkan kita, namun bukankah kita ini tetap saudara, bukankah silahturahmi dan kehangatan itu harus terus kita hargai ....

Meski kita tak berjodoh, meski aku sangat jauh darimu, meski sayangmu tak sesayangku padamu dan keluargamu namun aku tetap menghargai semua pilihanmu, aku tetap menyayangimu sebagai sepupuku walau kita berjauhan dan kemungkinan besar tak akan berjumpa untuk selamanya :) .

Aku juga mengucapkan terima kasih untuk perjodohan ini, meskipun luluh lantah di terpa badai perbedaan jarak, tetapi aku jadi lebih bisa mengoreksi segala kekurangan- kekuranganku yang masih harus kuperbaiki agar kelak benar- benar pasangan hidup yang terbaik yang datang menghampiriku :) ,aku juga semakin merasa petunjuk & rahmatNya begitu besar untukku menjalani hidup ini. Semakin aku bersikap dewasa dan mengenal arti cinta sejati itu.
Guys menurutku cinta sejati itu bukan cinta tulus yang kita berikan kepada seseorang karena kita cinta banget sama dia sampai rasa cinta itu mengalahkan bumi dan langit ini, hehe.... lebay... ^_^.  Tetapi cinta sejati itu adalah cinta dimana kita mencintai manusia karena Allah semata, karena kasih sayang Allah yang begitu besar kepada kita sehingga meskipun orang itu gak sayang sama kita, kita tetap sanggup menyayanginya apalagi dia saudara kita ^_^ ....

"Yaa Rabb ampunilah aku yang lemah ini... Kala aku lemah saat menemui cinta, aku begitu mencinta, Kala aku lemah dalam melepaskan cinta, aku terlalu berat melepaskan keindahan yang sementara itu...Karuniailah aku cinta yang mudah setelahnya... cinta yang mudah membuat aku ingat padaMu, cinta yang mudah membuat aku bersyukur padaMu, cinta yang mudah membuat aku mendapat ridhaMu, cinta yang mudah menerimaku dengan tulus.. Aamiin ... :)

"Tiada daya dan Upaya serta Kekuatan melainkan dengan pertolongan Allah SWT"

Resep Mi Ayam Jamur Rasamasa

Sebagai pilihan sarapan atau makan siang, bisa! Paduan mi dan jamur merang, enak disantap selagi hangat. Untuk 5 orang.

Bahan:
2 paha kempol ayam
6 gelas air
100 g jamur merang
800 gram
mi bayam *)
Minyak goreng

Bumbu:
5 siung bawang putih
2 batang bawang daun
1 sendok teh garam
1 sendok makan kecap asin
½ sendok teh merica bubuk
1 buah bawang bombay
3 ruas jari jahe
4 sendok makan saus tiram
3 sendok makan kecap manis
4 sendok teh minyak wijen

Caranya:
1. Kuah mi:
Rebus paha ayam kempol dengan 4 gelas air, 1 siung bawang putih, 1 batang daun bawang, dan ½ sendok teh garam. Ambil ayam, kupas kulit dan lemaknya. Lepaskan daging dari tulangnya. Potong dadu.

2. Potong masing-masing jamur menjadi 4. Sisihkan.

3. Adukan mi:
Taruh dalam wajan kulit paha ayam, tambahkan 2 sendok makan minyak goreng, masak dengan api kecil hingga kulit kering, bubuhi kecap asin, garam, dan merica, aduk rata. Sisihkan.

4. Cincang halus bawang putih, bawang bombay, jahe. Panaskan minyak. Tumis bawang putih, bawang bombay, dan jahe sampai harum. Masukkan potongan ayam, jamur merang, aduk rata.

5. Tambahkan saus tiram, kecap manis, garam, dan merica bubuk. Aduk rata. Tuangi 2 gelas air. Didihkan. Tambahkan daun bawang dan minyak wijen. Aduk rata.

6. Sajikan mi bayam dengan kuah, pelengkap mi, dan adukan mi.

Resep asli dan resep lainnya bisa dilihat di Rasamasa.com

Autumn V (Laughter,Tears, and Sanity)

CHAPTER 5

It didn’t happen, my alarm clock said it was five in the morning but it felt so much earlier than that. Besides, I really didn’t want to leave my bed, mine. Once warmed up by my own body heat it was heaven. With the fan blowing puffs of air on my face I had been lulled into sleep, I hadn’t slept well. My dreams had been horrible. My alarm woke me up.

"Wake up! Wake up!” It screamed.

I had rolled over and pressed snooze and had done so another time. The alarm went off for the third time and my hand came down on it automatically. No more snoozes. Danny would be on his way in a couple of minutes.

I dragged my sleepy butt out of bed and into the shower. Most people would have flinched at the cold water that hit them, I embraced it. It was on of the best ways I knew to wake up in the morning. Instead of waking up bit by bit it jolted me awake all at once. Also, it was the best method to wake Nic up I knew. Though I tried not to use it too often. It was no fun to sleep on a wet mattress as old as you are, older. There were all sorts of putrid smells that unearthed themselves to your nose in the middle of the night.

The freezing liquid soon warmed filling the bathroom with steam and I relaxed into the hot water. I needed to relax.
Years of training had kept me from going to sleep, not when the kitchen sat in such disarray. If nothing, I had to at least put away the food and clean the containers. After checking in on Nic, I dragged myself to my room and into bed which had been wonderful. Until I started dreaming.

I'd forgotten how much I had missed her.

My wolf was there waiting for me when I made it to the clearing that night. I’d forgotten how beautiful she was. Nothing I could compare her to could do her the justice she deserved. She was absolutely perfect and there she stood no more than three feet away, sitting on haunches looking at me the way I was staring at her. With a mixture of awe and unexplainable adoration.
Knowing I should have been scared, I should have run. Any normal person would. But all I could think about was, I have to touch her tonight. It was an overpowering need that drove me forward toward the wolf. She was a little bigger than a German Sheppard, past my waist in height with masses of midnight black and silver fur;she reminded me of a silver and black panda with her markings.

She didn’t move when I moved forward, sitting still as stone as if the earth had carved her. Slowly making my way forward until I stood mere inches away. Everything stopped breathing, I stopped breathing, if I didn’t know any better under all that fur I would swear she did too.

I extended my right arm to her head, looking into the most beautiful inhuman eyes I’d ever seen. If I didn’t know better I could swear--

It happen so quick I had no time to react or cry out. She didn’t hesitate, didn’t warm me with a growl or a howl. She just sprang for my throat. The last thing I had seen was its blue eyes gazing into mine before she snapped my neck. Shuddering, I shut off the water which had long ago gone back to freezing.

Beauty had killed me. Why the wolf came to me, I didn’t know. Things weren't going to change, I knew that now. She wouldn't go away. I started dreaming about her years ago when I was ten, and she had been my nighttime companion ever since. Never had I been scared, that was what frightened me more than anything. I was afraid for her; I didn't like the thought of it being alone. Why was I more worried about the wolf than my own well being? No, the real question was why hadn't I tried to wake up? Never throughout the whole thing had it even crossed my mind. Not even when it sprang for my neck. This was the conformation of my insanity I needed.

I was clueless but it had only been a dream after all. But I knew that wasn’t true deep down I felt it couldn't be. She was a beautiful nightmare. I decided; a terrible beautiful nightmare. That for some reason I was upset because it came to an end.
I shot a look across the room at my clock. Shoot! I was late.
I dashed about my room trying to get ready, forcibly placing my dream wolf and my sanity out of mind.


Danny arrived as early as he promised he would. I was ready, well, I was lacing up my shoes and almost ready.
The house was quiet, Nic and Alanna both still tucked in and the master suite had a closed door.

“Ready?” he looked ready in his running gear that looked put together but in an uncaring way. Effortless.

“I guess.” I allowed him to lead me from the house and down the drive way. The sun wasn’t completely up but the heat sent my body into an instant sweat.

“We’ll start with a light walk.” his light walked turned into more of a light jog. I didn’t say anything just nodded and tried to keep up with his long legs.
We barely made it around the second block before my body started screaming for mercy from the heat. “whatever we did, promise it will never happen again!” my poor skin screamed. It would pay me back with a spectacular sunburn later.

“So,” Danny said, not even sounding winded. “what’s your favorite movie?”

“I-” nearly stumbled over my own feet. “why?”

He shrugged. “Curious.”

“I don’t really watch television.” I admitted. Only on rare occasion when I had been able to sneak away to Ash’s house did I watch a movie every once in a while.

“Never?”

“It was rare.” I didn’t tell him that I spent most of my time in places that didn’t have televisions.

“Then what is your favorite book?” he persisted. “I know you read.”

“How do you figure that.”

“Come on, you scream book nerd.”

“gee, thanks.” letting the sarcasm drip.

“It’s a term of endearment, I promise.” He assured a grin splitting his face in two.

“Uh huh, what’s is yours? Movie I mean.”

“A Beautiful Mind.” he said without pause

Never heard of it but I nodded all the same. “Now back to my question, what is your favorite book?”

“The Age of Innocence.” I said without thinking. “that or White Orlanders.”

“Chick flick.” he grimaced and I did too.

“If you must seem them that way.” I gave in without a fight. “What about you?”

“You’ll laugh.” he said pressing on. “I know you will.”

“I won’t-” I started to promise but a look he sent me cut me off. “don’t make a promise you can’t keep.”

“Okay-” I said working something out knowing I had to know. “I promise to try and not laugh.”

“Good enough.” He nodded , slowing down in his speed a we rounded another corner into a street that held only two large houses. “I like Goosebumps.” he shrugged bringing my attention back.

“That’s not anything bad.” I said feeling disappointed. For a moment I thought he was going to tell me something much better.

“And I love the Twilight series.” like that.

I stopped dead on the side of the street. “you're a Twihard?” I asked not daring to even breathe.

“If you must think of it that way.” he said conceding turning back to me.

I had encountered this before, when I was a freshman Twilight fever had hit my school, hard. I knew the symptoms and Danny didn’t seem to sport any of them.

“I must.” I grinned letting him pull me on. “how bad do you have it, Danny?”

I asked unable to help myself. He grimaced. “let’s just say that I owned a Volvo for a little while, I had the hugest crush on Alice Cullen. When Edward left,” he shook his head. “I cried like someone had died. When he came back, I laughed myself silly. I tried to change my middle name to Jacob, and for my fifteenth birthday I begged my mom to send me to Forks for the weekend.” he paused again. “Oh, and I dated this girl Vanessa for a while just so I could call her Nessie. That and I used Twilight quotes where and whenever they would fit in my life.”

I opened my mouth and closed it, words failed to describe how aghast I felt. He had Twilight fever, he had it bad. “At least you’re not one of those kids who doused their body in glitter to sparkle in the sun.”

A look flashed across his face. “Oh Gosh!” I groaned.

“It was one time!” he threw up his hands. “To the midnight release party of Breaking Dawn, I swear I didn’t know that it would take days to get the stuff off, it clung to everything.”
I see. “how did you explain that to your mom?”

“Oh, well, there was a horrible accident at the arts and crafts store up the road.” he said solemnly. “these kids were getting into it in the confetti section and being the good Samaritan that I am, well I had to break it up.”

I nodded. “Of course.” he nodded back.

“I didn’t know that one of them had silver glitter in his hands, the kind that sticks without the glue, you know.” I nodded. “he threw it and made his escape in the fog of glitter and left the store chaos.”

A grin split my lips. “Did she buy it?”

“I don’t know, I think she’d rather believe that than the truth.” I could believe that, parents had a tendency to believe what they wanted to rather than the actual truth.

A sound was working it’s way up my throat. “Are you laughing at me?” the Twihard asked.

“No, I’m giggling.” I defended my right. “there is a difference.”

“you just don’t understand.” he lifted his head gathering his dignity and picked up speed.

“Your secrets safe with me!” I called after him, at his back I let my side heave and tried to muffle the laughter that bubbled up in a hysterical fit. He still heard and quickened his pace leaving me to catch up.

When we hit our street and I didn’t even notice, Danny had been asking me innocent questions nonstop. He paid attention too, as if what I had to say interested him. By the end of our walk I had talked more than I had in years.

“And here we are.” I blinked looking at my house. “Wasn’t so bad, was it?”

I shook my head, his grin turned to something smug.

“you still haven’t answered my question.”

“bout what?”

“the bonfire.”

“Oh-” I opened my mouth and closed it. “A few more days?” I bit my lip.

His look said. “no.”

“I promised not to tell anyone that you spent your Saturdays trying to find a meadow-” his face fell into pure horror.

“I never told you about that.”

“You just did.” I grinned down at my shoes, waiting.

He coughed. “maybe, a few more days won’t hurt.” I nodded, my grin getting broader.

“Tomorrow?” he asked and I nodded. I would have his answer tomorrow.

“Maybe,” I promised that soon to tell him no.

He stepped back leaving me on the porch. “okay,” he said already heading down the sidewalk. “see you tomorrow Autumn.” He ran down the street toward the only other house on our street. I watched until I couldn’t see him anymore before turning to head inside.

The smell of food told me all I needed to know. Following it led me right to the kitchen and I stopped dead at the sight. Nothing was out of the ordinary with Dad cooking breakfast and children sitting there eating it. Even the red headed one fit in. It was the red headed girl and black haired boy sitting at the bar talking to Dad that looked severely out of place. What were they doing here?

Of course, Ciaran was also the first to notice me standing at the threshold. Turning in his chair he said. “Autumn.” Goosebumps formed over my skin when he said my name. That was when Dad noticed me too.

"Hey Ladybug." he smiled, he looked chipper this morning for a man who had to have gotten in early this morning. He must really be a morning person.

I turned to his sister, “What have I missed, did we have some
plans today?” I asked Mae unsure if I had zoned out yesterday and missed something. She actually looked offended. “Of course not.” she sniffed before turning back to Dad.

“No, she just came over to ask if she could borrow you Thursday.” two days from now.

Warning bells that I couldn’t easily ignore went off in my head. Run, shoot the idea down, hurry! Nothing in my mind told me this would be good. Still I heard my voice say. “what for?”

“well I figured since you don't really know anyone, Danny is having a party that day-”

“He didn't invite me.” I grumped, she pushed my protest aside.

“Kevin said I can take you. . .”

Against everything I was taught, I turned to glare at my Dad who sipped his coffee so innocently not even looking sheepish. He knew how I felt about crowds, knew I wasn’t sure if I could handle them. This was bad on so many levels and I wasn’t even sure I could get out of it. “No.” abruptly I took a step back. “no, I’m not going.” you'll never take me alive.

“Autumn, just go.” It was Dad, who came to Mae’s defense. “It’s not going to be bad, not if you take your med-”

so that was what this was about. “Dad!” I cut him off horrified that he would say it out loud. He cleared his throat and went on.

“If you do it now then I promise I won't badger you anymore about it.”

I glared at him. “Promise?” he could lie to me.

“I promise, go have fun.” his smile didn’t wobble from his face when I didn’t grin back. A party would never be my idea of fun.

“If I must.” I muttered sitting back down again wondering why I was being so easily coddled. I had no spine, pathetic Autumn, absolutely pathetic. “I run with Danny in the mornings.” I told Mae thinking of something.

Her brows rose to the top of her forehead and she looked like a pondering philosopher. Beside me I felt the heat of another gaze.

“So that‘s why you stink.” she murmured under her breath, before saying in a louder voice. “That’s fine, I’m an early riser myself.” Mae went on easily. “I’ll wake up and be right over, Sienna said she wanted to come too.” I stifled a groan. Mae was more than enough, I wasn’t the girly chit chat giggly kind of person. “I’ll be here a little after noon.”

“yeah Mae,” I said before I could stop myself. “you’re really up with the roosters.” She made a face but otherwise ignored my jab.

"We better start toward the dojo." Kevin gave a signal and the three jumped from their seat. Impressive. "Nic decided he wanted to take up karate with these two." Dad nodded to the girls. I nodded back, he'd never mentioned taking up karate before. It had never come out his mouth, I turned to Nic who walked by me as if I was invisible he was so absorbed in his conversation with Sage. I frowned but let it go. Planting a weird kiss on my cheek, Dad waltz after them and Mae followed, that left me alone with. . . no.

Rounding at the eyes on my side, "are you here to torture me unnecessarily too?"

“Unfortunately no, I’m your tutor,” I blanched as a smug smile crossed his face. "Don't worry I don't bite."
"and that isn't considered a form of torture because?" I mumbled under my breath.

I thought watching him sitting so calmly in his seat beside me. With his bag of books and torture devices. “Kevin did this on purpose.” I muttered under my breath. the table shook a little with laughter but when I looked his face was just as smooth as ever.

“Maybe, maybe not.” he shrugged. “either way, you’re stuck with me.”

“W-why i-is that?” I asked trying not to stammer when he leaned forward.

“Because I’m the only tutor working this summer, volunteering really.” his smile turned to more of a smirk. “Kevin asked me to do it and I agreed.”

Now I snorted, wasn’t this just fabulous. “That’s the spirit.” his voice was flat in his sarcasm. “now come on, I’m only giving you a test today to gage where you’re at or if you even need me at all. We’ll start the real work later.” When was later? Maybe I had time to find a way out of this before he came back.
He pulled out a mean looking packet from his bag sliding it across the table to me along with a pencil.

“Don’t I get a calculator?” I asked, flipping through the packet and feeling my knees go weak even while I was sitting.
“Sure you do.” he said easily leaning back, using his index finger he pointed to his ear and poked his head. His curls sprayed over his face and in his eyes, he pulled them back with an uncaring hand. “It’s between your ears.”

The urge to bite had never been something I enjoyed fulfilling, but with Ciaran Moongood I was sure I could make an exception. “Don’t be a smart aleck,” I muttered under my breath knowing he still heard me in the quietness of the kitchen.
“Hell knows no fury better than an algebra problem.” I sighed flipping to the first page.

“Just do the test Autumn.” he said in an equally tired voice.
I did, my head didn’t come up from the packet once like his eyes didn’t leave the top of my head once. It was the most uncomfortable test I had ever taken, second most uncomfortable test. I amended. Sliding my test toward him I got out my chair, headed somewhere when-

"We aren't done." Ciaran said calmly looking at me. Reluctantly, I sat. "I need you to right a paper for me, just so I know where you are at in your English." I wanted to tell him my English was fine but I closed my mouth.

"Will I get it back?"

"I won't even take it out the house." he promised, I just want to look and make notes on where you are." he seemed sincere, that didn't mean I could believe him. However I did want to write, about my dream before it left my head. If he said he wouldn't take it from the house. It should be okay.

He handed me a pen and tablet, my fingers sighed in relief at feeling their friends and started to form letters into words that soon formed sentences. Through my pen and paper I escaped mapping out the scene and plot began to take shape a little later.

“what did you dream about?” I sigh in exasperation, slamming my pencil down only to pick it up and twirl it between my fingers. Would I ever get to finish this. Slowly turning in the direction the voice had come from, I fixed my best glare into place for the person who possessed it. Ciaran was turned halfway in his chair to face me his face curious, an eyebrow raised at my frustration. Reigning it in wasn't easy, especially when I felt he more than deserved to be on the receiving end of it.

“I’m not sure” I mumbled turning a bit more in my seat toward him..

“Then what are you writing about?” he ask curiously leaning in his chair a bit. I pulled my paper back before he could peek.

“It doesn’t make sense” I mumbled again and if he didn’t leave me alone I would never finish it.

“Do you dream a lot?” he asked quietly making me look up at him again. What should he care if I dreamed or not?
Stop being so uptight Autumn. He’s only curious, it was an innocent question. I talked to myself a lot but sometimes I needed to shut it up.

I wouldn’t have gotten upset if Danny or Ashton had asked me that question.

I shook my head. “No not really, and if I do I usually can’t remember what it was about.

That’s why it was so important I wrote this one down. Ciaran frowned a bit.

I started writing some more getting the last bits and pieces together wrapping it up. He kept glancing at me as I did with him through the veil of my hair. By the time I finished my five pages he was still going strong writing something on his paper. I wanted to lean in and see what he was writing about but after I had snubbed him there was no way that would have been acceptable. Did that mean I couldn’t talk to him?

“Where did your Dad take Nic and Alanna?” I asked biting my lips before erasing it a line.

I felt rather than saw his shrug. “To the practice I guess, their in good hands don’t worry.”

“I’m not.” I shot back bristling at his assuming tone. “I’m not worried about either of them, I was just curious.”

“why would you ask if you’re not worried.” confusion lanced through his voice.

“Does it matter?” I shot back.

“No. . .” he said slowly.

“Then don’t worry about it.” I slid the paper toward him and waited to make sure he did as he said.

"I find myself worrying about you alot." he murmured almost to himself leaning toward me in his stool. I waited to see him fall forward. He never did, though he got close enough for me to see the blue waving in his black hair.

"Well maybe y-you shouldn't." I stammered unnerved. He unnerved me with his piercing stare and looks. It was like he couldn't just look through me like everyone else did. He had to look at me but, he like everyone else didn't see me. I bet he didn't.

"Autumn, it's hard not to worry when every time I see you-"

"Which is all of twice."

He nodded. "only twice but I'm curious, how did-" he licked his lips. "How did you get those stitches?"

I frowned, steeling my finger from tracing the line on my neck. I did it without thinking now. In the next motion tossing my hair on my right side to hide my stitches from view. No one had ask since I had come here, sure I had been here less than twenty four hours but, no one else had stared or asked. No one had went out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable, it would be him.
“What happen to you?” he asked so softly I had to lean in to hear. He still wasn’t looking at me he was looking at my neck. The dark stitches were a vast contrast to my skin as were the angry red lines the drew from it up my neck. His mouth set in a hard line his eyes hard like he cared what had happen to me. He didn’t even know me enough to care.

“I fell.” I said truthfully, not the whole truth but some of it.

I didn’t want him to know what really happen and it wasn’t any of his business. I didn’t want to remember what had happen to me. I didn’t know how to deal with it-

“Onto something sharp?” he frowned clearly not believing me.

“Exactly.” I said going back to doodling on my paper. Clearly, he got the message because he dropped it if a little reluctantly but he turned back to his own paper and I mine.

I didn’t want to tell him it had been exactly like that. It had been sharp and jagged. It had hurt like hell and burned hot. Sharp pricks that kept going deeper and deeper. It had been cold then turned hot only to turn cold with pain again. It had hurt so much I couldn’t breathe, I hadn’t been able to breathe.

I couldn’t breathe now. Everything around me seem to be closing in around me, on top of me. I double over in my seat. stop stop stop. It didn’t stop getting darker nothing fell back into place. I knew this wasn’t happening. But that didn’t stop the ice from forming in my stomach. I didn’t want to go back to that I couldn’t go back but still the memories were sucking me in like a vacuum.

“Autumn?”

The ringing that had steadily built in my ear was a full blown siren. I put my head in my hands.

Breathe, breathe, Why couldn’t I breathe?

This wasn’t really reality. this darkness wasn’t real. It was my mind playing tricks and flashbacks on me again. Why wouldn't they leave me alone? They could near about kill you or make you kill yourself.

Forget them, forget them. I couldn’t, the more I tried to remove them the more vivid they got. I could almost feel his hands when he-

“Autumn!” something warm pressed against my neck and I jumped. No. No.

I couldn’t do this again. I couldn’t.

“Open your eyes” what? open my eyes?
My eyes were open. All I saw was black. It was so dark and it hurt everything did.

Hands peeled away my fingers and my world was flooded with light, too much light. I ducked my eyes back into them until they adjusted.

“Breathe, can you do that?” A voice asked calmly. It was the type of calm that I wish I could imitate.

Taking in a breath, I could breathe again. I took another one and another one. In, out, in, and out. Nothing had ever been so delicious.

“Are you alright?” That calm voice asked again.
No, I wasn’t alright. I was never going to be alright, every
time someone brought up some thing from my past this is what happen. I froze up, hyperventilate, sometimes both. After it happen the first time my mom had thought it best I go see a shrink. It seem to get better for a while and I thought it was only a phase. If only.

It started happening more and more frequently anywhere and everywhere. It happen at work, at home, I did my best to hide what was happening to me from Nic and as far as I knew he was oblivious. I intended to keep it that way at all cost. They started when I was fourteen, and for a while the medicine they had put me on seemed to. . .help but now it only subdued. I still panicked, I still heard the whispers every once and again but nothing like they usually were. At one point they had they were so violent and unpredictable it made me ill. Everyone was convinced I was sick mentally and even when I tried to tell them they were stuck in their mind set that I was just sick, and a bad girl for lying. Sick and bad. I'd given up long ago that I would get better and they would go away. Now I knew, I would always be like this. Sick and it was all their fault.

“Autumn?” Someone was shaking me again. I decided it was time to see if I could move before something else came at me.

Sighing, my hands pulled away from my face and into the light and the indigo eyes in a face less than five inches from mine. They were concerned eyes on a concerned face. Ciaran. He was the one calling me and shaking me. He brought me out of this. How?

“you’re crying” he whispered to me running a finger over my cheek. His fingers were warm and soft for a guy's hands. He didn’t even realize the comfort he was giving me. But it was there and I was grateful. When he pulled his fingers away they were damp with tears.

Impatiently, I wiped my cheeks. I didn’t want him or anyone see me like this, he was just like everyone else.

“It happens sometimes.” I said vaguely looking away into the silent house.

“It's just us.” Ciaran smiled looking around with me. “I wasn't sure if you wanted me to call Kevin or-”

"No!" I yelped sitting up straighter, Dad could never know about this or I was surely on a one way ticket to the asylum.
his smile disappear. “Why not?”

I shook my head. No.

“Do you need a doctor?” He ask quietly. I hurriedly shook my head ."Are you sure?" I nodded

He looked dubious but nodded under my stony glare. I wasn't going anywhere and if he called Kevin then I would deny it until the day I died. "Ciaran I-" cleared my throat wiping something from my cheek. "What I mean is, thank you but. . . could we not tell anyone about this?" something changed, his focused changed. From concerned to sharpening claws in a second flat.

"I just. . . " shaking my head and biting my lip got me no where, so I stopped. "I don't think he needs to be concerned with this." I finished. "Please, can we keep this a secret?"
He was silent for a moment and I was sure that he would use it as some form of black mail or turn me down. Ciaran nodded, turning away from me, so I couldn't see the disgust I bet.

“Thank you.” I mumbled wiping my nose on the back of my hand, he turned back to me for that.

“Anytime.” A smile leaked across his face, the one that came easy and natural, the one that made any woman‘s, not matter their preference, heart squeeze. Mine on the other hand shot into overdrive. Doing it’s best to sink as low into my stomach as it could possibly go before trying to crash from my chest. "now let me finish reading this and we can be finished for the day."

Nodding weakly, I kept my head down, his eyes weren't reading my paper. They were glued to my head; watching me as if he expected me to have another episode. He was to be disappointed. I didn’t allow myself to think of that. Whenever something like this happened could usually sleep it off but not now.

Instead I thought about Nic. Did he really want to take karate? It wasn't really the question, the really question was did Dad tell him or ask him about it. Nic would do whatever Dad wanted, I saw that already he adored his father. He liked Alanna against his will but how he felt about the youngest Moongood child I wasn't sure. When he got home from he could tell me about his day. That’s what I was looking forward to the most. Him being happy here would be the best thing in the world.

Then there was Trista, what was going to do about her. What could I do about her? At the moment nothing, if we just flew low enough and did as she ask we could stay off her radar. . . not a chance. Trista wouldn’t pass up a chance to be a pain in my side for a thing in the world. When the time came I could deal with her compared to what was in Strange she was easy. . .

What about the Moongoods? I still wasn’t sure how I felt about them. Maeve, I liked her and was well on my way to really liking her. She was nice to me and fun, funny. Ciaran was another story. I had no idea what game he was playing at-

“Autumn?” a tentive voice caught my attention. I raised my head from my drawing to the front of the room. He had a nervous smile on her face.

“This is good.” Ciaran handed me back the paper just like he said he would. “I don’t think we’ll have to focus on English at all.” I nodded.

“Thank you.” it would have been easier if he had said it was crap. “Is that it?”

I thought about his hand on my cheek and his indigo eyes so concerned, for me. He said I could fall on him anytime right? I had no idea what Ciaran Moongood’s words were about but I knew he meant them. Whether I could believe him or not was still to be seen.

“Where are you going?” he called when I got up and started for the back door.

“Outside” I called over my shoulder stalking outside toward the stable, leaving him alone to do whatever. The sun slapped at my back as I hurried past the backyard and through the gate toward the stable and in.

"And you called me rude?" a sarcastic voice brought a neigh from the horses and a yelp from me.

Whirling around in time to see Ciaran stalking toward me. “What are you doing?” I asked. More than a little panicked at the predatory way he was walking toward me. Like a wolf stalking its prey. I blinked, and then it was gone and Ciaran was walking like a normal person should, except he was walking toward me. That was not normal. “We weren’t done talking.” he said easily, I frowned.

“We weren’t ?”
He shook his head making his curls bounce. I wanted to bat them like a cat would a ball of its favorite yarn. They were that dark and silky, the high sunlight I was more than sure I saw a strike of blue lash through a few of them. “No,” he leaned forward toward me a bit making my breath hitch. “We weren’t.” he leaned against the stable door but didn't enter.

"I just wanted to come out here before I started on my chores." I shrugged giving the horse an extra pat before turning back to the stable door where he waited.

"Don't you have someone else to go and badger?" I asked squaring my shoulders.

"not at the moment." he shrugged easily. When I got closer he showed no signs of moving. I would have to go around him. "Besides." he leaned forward when I came within distance. "you're the most fun." is that what he called it.

He pulled away quickly but not before I got a good whiff of him. He smelled wonderful, nothing was very distinct except for the smell of cinnamon, the rest was a blend of things that would take me days to decipher. He was looking at me expectantly, one brow disappearing up onto his forehead into his curls.

"Shut up." I muttered side stepping him and walking back toward the house. He and his silent laughter followed behind me, it stayed with me as I cleaned the kitchen and started on Alli's play room. It wouldn't leave my head even long after he left. It rang in my ears in the quiet house as if he was there, and I enjoyed its comfort. What was wrong with me?